Boss Jokes That Work!
Boss Jokes That Work!
Boss jokes that work to make your workday a little wackier. Humor quotes and funny stuff to give your work a wake-up call. Don’t call in sick. Call in funny!
If your boss is getting you down, look at him through the prongs of a fork and imagine him in jail.
- David Brent
Got a new boss this week and I'm using suck up muscles I'd forgotten I had.
- Just Bill @WilliamAder
The main distinction between a boss and the Pope is the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
- Unknown Author
A power struggle with your boss is when she has the power and you have the struggle.
Tact is defined as the ability to tell your boss to go to hell and have him looking forward to the trip.
- Unknown Author
"The Boss" Group 2
My boss doesn’t believe money equals happiness. So instead of raises, he gives us Prozac.
Don’t stand around doing nothing. People will think you’re the boss.
The Law of Coffee: As soon as you get a cup of hot coffee, your boss will assign you a task that lasts just long enough for your coffee to go cold.
When you give birth to a great idea at work, your boss should give you 2 weeks of maternity leave.
"Can I Get A Raise?"
I asked the boss if I could get a raise, and he said, "Because of the fluctuational predisposition of your position's productive capacity as juxtaposed to the industry standards, it would be monetarily injudicious to advocate an increment."
I said, "I don't get it."
He said, "That's right."
A young job applicant was being interviewed for an entry level position.
His prospective boss asked, “Are you a smoker?”
“Not even a little,” said the young man.
“How about alcoholic beverages?”
“Never touch ‘em,” he replied.
The boss smiled and asked, “So you spend a lot of time with girls?”
The applicant said “No, not really.”
“So you don’t have any vices?”
“Well, I do have one,” he admitted.
“And what would that be?” the boss asked.
“I tell lies.”
On a Roman warship, the galley boss looked over his slaves and shouted, “Today I have good news. All of you are getting extra food tonight.”
The slaves all looked at him in silence, except one decrepit old man in the back, who moaned, “Oh God, no, not again.”
A new slave next to him asked, “Why are you moaning?”
“This only happens when the Captain’s nephew wants to water ski.”
Boss Jokes: "Dead Horse"
According to Native American wisdom, when you learn the horse you’re riding has died, the best thing to do is get a new horse.
Because of procedural considerations, however, the boss at my company has decided to try other strategies first. Like:
- Purchasing expensive, high-tech whips.
- Assigning a different rider.
- Telling the horse it could be fired.
- Organizing a horse-study committee.
- Surveying competitors to find out how they make their dead horses go.
- Changing the dead horse’s classification to "living-impaired."
- Hiring consultants to study how to ride a dead horse.
- Creating a team of dead horses, harnessed together for increased efficiency.
- Giving the dead horse to a non-profit, so its cost is fully deductible.
- Initiating a study to find out if productivity is enhanced by lighter riders.
- Adjusting the overhead costs of the dead horse to zero for accounting purposes.
- Promoting the dead horse to management.
Boss Jokes: "Three Wishes"
The sales chief, the HR chief, and the boss are on their way to lunch around the corner. They detour through an alley and stumble on a beat up but valuable looking brass container.
The sales chief picks it up and starts cleaning it with his handkerchief. Suddenly, a genie emerges out of a curtain of purple smoke.
The genie is grateful to be set free, and offers them each a wish.
The HR chief is wide-eyed and ecstatic. She says, “I want to be living on a beautiful beach in Jamaica with a sailboat and enough money to make me happy for the rest of my life.”
Poof! She disappears.
The sales chief says, “Wow! I want to be happily married to a wealthy supermodel with penthouses in New York, Paris, and Hong Kong.”
Presto, he vanishes.
“And how about you?" asks the Genie, looking at the boss.
The boss scowls and says, "I want both those idiots back in the office by 2 PM."
MORAL: Always let your boss speak first.
"The Boss" Group 3
There’s a rumor that Steve Jobs, having been a Buddhist, has been reincarnated as a factory worker on a sweatshop assembly line in China.
My boss is in the process of filling an open manager position. I asked him to please hire a man because women are crazy. He agreed with me. I got upset that he agreed. I’m pretty sure I unintentionally proved my point.
The fastest, most effective way to learn about servant leadership is to take a puppy for a walk.
- Greg Tamblyn
There are two essential rules to management. One, the customer is always right; and two, they must be punished for their arrogance.
- Scott Adams (Dilbert)
The Dilbert Principle: The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: Management.
- Scott Adams (Dilbert)
Mission Statement: A long awkward sentence that demonstrates management's inability to think clearly.
- Scott Adams (Dilbert)
More like these? Check out these links:
Funny Quotes about WORK
Or go back from "Boss Jokes" to "Hilarious Jokes: Work, Retirement, etc."
Or go back from "Boss Jokes" to the Home Page: "Funny Jokes, Funny Quotes, Funny Sayings"
Because love is funny-strange, but it's also funny ha-ha.
We have all heard that love is patient and love is kind. But have you ever heard how hilarious love can be as well?
That's right, love can actually bring a chuckle or a side-splitting laugh out of anyone. Because when you are in love, you are automatically having a good time. You are with the person you adore the most and anything you do brings a smile to your face.
So naturally, there are going to be some entertaining moments, hopefully summed up by the best funny love quotes around.
But there are also parts of love that don't seem funny at first but you can laugh about it later on. Bad breakups, fights, or misunderstandings can arise and put a strain on things. Once you are able to work through it with your partner, you are able to see the humor in the situations.
Life would be a lot less interesting if everyone didn't operate that way. Could you imagine a humor-less society? Ugh. That would be horrible.
Thank god for comedians and their interesting outlook on everything that goes on in our world. Being able to evaluate hard situations and find a sort of silver lining out of it is a gift.
And it is something we can all learn from because let's not take everything too seriously. Life is a lot easier to take on when everything isn't always so big and scary and you can chuckle at situations.
There's a funny thing about love and relationships, and it's called everything. Thankfully, some of our favorite comedians can relate, and we found the best funny love quotes to prove it.
Not only are these hilarious, they're 100 percent spot-on, and from some of the world's most famous, influential people to date.
1. Who your partner is will always be revealed.
"Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are." — Will Ferrell
RELATED: 32 Of The Sweetest Loveliest Love Quotes For Married People
2. Just look at all the options.
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
3. Sometimes it's hard to find.
"I love being married. It's so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life." — Rita Rudner
4. Emojis don't speak louder than words.
"If you text 'I love you' to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back." — Chelsea Peretti
5. Tell the truth no matter what.
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing." — Natasha Leggero
6. Always be honest.
"I'm now making a Jewish porno film. Ten percent sex, 90 percent guilt." — Henny Youngman
7. You don't truly know someone until you love them.
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." — Garry Shandling
8. Fake it 'til you make it.
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in." — Richard Jeni
9. Love needs repeating.
"If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?" — Lily Tomlin
10. Try to be a good husband, even when you fail.
"Being a good husband is like being a stand-up comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
11. Who could argue with that?
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
12. Ignorance is bliss.
"Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family." — Chelsea Handler
13. Don't need to see it to believe it.
"Love is a lot like a backache: it doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there." — George Burns
14. Find someone impartial.
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury." — Groucho Marx
15. Sex is healthy for any relationship.
"Love is the answer, but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions." — Woody Allen
16. Does love ever truly fade?
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
17. Feelings suck.
"Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings and lawyers." — Richard Pryor
RELATED: 13 Quotes For When You Need To Remember You're Worth Fighting For
18. Compliments are key.
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." — Chris Rock
19. That is what light dimmers are for.
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
20. You need to indulge just a little.
"I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the time he killed himself." — Johnny Carson
21. Impress your family by getting married.
"My brother is gay and my parents don’t care, as long as he marries a doctor." — Elayne Boosler
22. Finances won't always be even.
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning." — Ray Romano
23. There will be trouble in paradise sometimes.
"I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early." — Jack Benny
24. Love ain't cheap.
"Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand." — Unknown
25. Confidence always works.
"Women love a self-confident bald man." — Larry David
26. Women and men see sex differently.
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." — Billy Crystal
27. Not everyone has the best taste.
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them." — Bill Maher
28. Some prefer to travel for what they want.
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." — Jackie Mason
29. Take the high.
"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings." — David Sedaris
30. Marriage is a nice trade-off.
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." — Phyllis Diller
31. Get a Carfax if you need to.
"Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery." — Erma Bombeck
RELATED: 47 Inspiring Enchanting Love Quotes For The Person You Just Adore
If you're searching for the best quotes and memes to share with the people you love (or just want to feel inspired yourself) ... look no further! From the sweetest love quotes, inspirational sayings, and hilarious relationship truths, we've got you covered.